World’s Greatest Dad?…World’s Biggest Heel

It was a day I hoped would never come.

I’ve prided myself on being the cool calm collected one.

A dad so cool, the sun needs a sweater when it shines on me!

The dad who flows like water, who bends in the wind, goes with the flow and smells like teenspirit. (Wait…is that a cologne? I have no idea).

The kind of dad who exists only in family sitcoms. Loves his family, does crazy and outlandish things, quick with the funny remarks, dishes out sage worldly advice and never…ever…EVER…raises his voice in anger.

The kind of dad where Zen is my friend and karma is my confidanteÄ—…

So, what went wrong?

To put it simply…

Daddy growled at me 😦

And boy, do I feel like the World’s Biggest Heel.

What would Chuck Norris do? Or better yet, what would Bill Cosby, Mike Brady or Alex P Keaton’s Dad, do?

Here’s the scene:

Baby’s so tired, he can hardly keep his little red eyes open, BUT…won’t have a bar of sleeping. Daddy Cool tries for 40 minutes to settle him off to sleep, all in vain. Baby then has poopy nappy. DC needs to change it and D-scovers a HUGE deposit in his Access account. Baby is still not happy and squirms all over the change table like a ninja playing laser-tag and as Daddy struggles with a handful of poop up to his elbow in one hand, baby decides to…crocodile death roll in his own poop and almost Nadia Comeneci it over the edge of the change table. At which point, Daddy Cool snapped…

STOP IT!

Indy froze and stared at me like a deer in headlights. His face, red with anguish and upset, eyes on the brink of dam-busting through glistening tears. He didn’t move a muscle and I could finish cleaning him up without a fuss.

And, I felt…ashamed and terrible.

Memories of me running into the middle of an argument between my parents and yelling out, “STOP IT!”, came suddenly flowing in.

And I can only imagine how he must have felt. The one man he relies on for laughs and tickles, for story book voices, for songs in the bath and whispers in his ears, suddenly went BOOM!

I cuddled him tight and apologised profusely. He seemed to accept it, but I feel like I dug a hole in my heart. I know he forgives me, but can I forgive myself?

Hopefully…

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Do Me A Solid?

KNOCK-KNOCK
Who’s there?
My six monks.
My six monks who?
My six monks old baby, that’s who!

Can you believe it? Our little bloke has just notched up half a year on his nappy belt. Which makes me wonder if he’s still considered a baby or is he now a toddler? And what actually is the difference? Sources tell me a toddler is when he starts wearing velvet robes, a cravat, smokes a pipe and sips martinis. (“Sources” is a term used loosely for the voices in my head). And if that’s the case, Hugh Hefner is the luckiest toddler in town.

But it also means some chemical changes are going on. Namely…“fusion”. Now, before you break out the hazmat suits and confuse it with nuclear fusion, (mind you, I’m pretty sure some of his nappy contents would set off a Geiger counter), it’s also the state in which a liquid changes to a solid. (Not to be confused with WA, which is the state in which all your solids revert to liquid…that’s some heat, phew!).

Known to scientists as “solidifying”, known to parents as, “eating” and known to babies as, “remodelling” the kitchen. (See also: “How can I get this tiniest bit of food and spray it all over the walls, ceiling, floor, myself, mummy and daddy…without actually getting any of it in my mouth?”)… Or the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan…but with food.

Which means we now have the incredibly interesting and somewhat amusing task of putting different types of food in front of him and see what he does.

At the end of round one, the judge’s scores are as follows;

Banana – thumbs up.
Armadillo – who are you trying to kid?
Avocado – much easier to get out of its shell.
Sweet potato – big thumbs up.
Unsweet potato – whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?
Broccoli – thumbs down.
Broccolini – thumbs up.
(Maybe because when choosing which foods to eat, broccolini is so much easier to rhyme with “Eanie-Meanie”…)

And at this point, the clear winner by far is…

Apricots

And seeing as they have a laxative affect, it’s smells smiles all round for all of us. And all this mess has brought out my innovative side, where instead of trying to clean up all the food that ends up on the floor, his high chair fits perfectly into his wading pool. All he needs is a quick hosing down after meals. Only problem is, he’s not allowed out of his chair for an hour after eating 😉

That’s the rules…I saw it on Baywatch.