Stupid Newton

On this day in 1666, Bert Newton’s younger brother, Sir Isaac Newton, discovered gravity when an apple fell on his head. (Okay, it might not have been this day exactly, but it certainly has a Wednesday “feel” about it). And subsequently, devised the theory of gravity that…

“What goes up…must come down.”

Obviously, Newton was not a father. Because if he knew anything at all about babies, then he should know the opposite is true…

“What goes down…almost always, at some point…must come back up!”

And so it was, that today, Indy discovered that Newton…

Was full of sh*t.

It’s hard to keep a good man down…even harder to keep down a belly full of milk. Today was a first for us, when Indy discovered that not only can you spew your hard earned sustenance all down the front of your clothes, but you can also do it…

Through your NOSE…

And he did not like it…at all.

But the look on his face was priceless. I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen a 5 month old baby look at you like, “What the hell was that? How did that even happen?” But it’s the same face you have when you hear the phrase, “Big Brother returns for another season” or “Jessica Simpson wins Academy Award”.

And for both of us, we learned two very important lessons…

DO NOT: drink your milk down like it’s going out of fashion.
DO NOT: play the “Sit down, Stand up” game directly following said fashion statement.

Stupid Daddy…Stupid Newton.

Indy Newton

Advertisements

School is…OUT!

Had our final Prenatal Childbirth Class today, which means school is…OUT!

And boy…did we learn some lessons.

Topics we covered included different ways of inducing births. Who would have guessed that a crochet needle, could also be used to break somebody’s water? (I will be forever suspicious of Grannies knitting booties in the foyer.)

The side-splitting walkthrough of a cesarian. (Which incidentally, is NOT the thirteenth Zodiac sign), but does include a bleeding goat and an altar.

The complex and amazing subject of breast feeding. (I’m a guy…it’s always about the boobs) 🙂

I’m all for expressing an opinion, but expressing milk?…That’s a whole other matter.

BTW: Did you realise we’re the only mammals on the planet that gives birth to our young and then feeds it milk from a completely different mammal? Although, as far as mammals go, I guess cows were a smarter choice. Imagine if we milked whales! Not only would it be damned near impossible to grip your hands around the teat, but how would you keep the bucket from floating away underneath it? Plus, it’s pretty hard to hold your breath and suckle at the same time.

We also got to try some baby wraps. Very cute, but not quite as delicious as a chicken salad wrap. But both look so good…you could just eat them up!

And probably, the weirdest and most psychologically disturbing topic we covered…

The dreaded nappies!

That is some funky sh*t, right there. An endless stream of pictures of what to expect “inside”, at different stages of development. Nothing of which looked like it ever came out of a human. Maybe something that leaked out of an engine perhaps? I felt like A.A. Milne when he was first devising the different stages of Pooh(Winnie-the-Pooh, that is).

Mind you, I did have to ask which way to aim the pistol for a boy. Another dad suggested that at that size, it probably doesn’t really matter. To which I pointed out, “hey…this is my kid. I might have to wrap it around a couple times,” (if you know what I mean). 

Size always matters.

So, it was an incredibly eye-opening and valuable experience. I feel so much better informed and prepared for our new adventure.

My only concern, is that there’s obviously a problem with overcrowding in the maternity ward. I just hope our little schnitzel doesn’t come early, or he could end up at the bottom of the pack!