Explosive Stuff

Fifteen weeks of morning sickness, a cesarian birth, baby up chuck and spraying urinations, when it comes to secretions, it’s not often I get shocked.

But when it comes to “pooh”, Christopher Robin never saw anything quite like this.

Somebody call Triple “Oh-Ohh-Ohhh!”

The first “Oh” is when you open the nappy. The second “Ohh” comes when you see just how runny it is. The third “Ohhh!”…is when you realize the nappy contains only about one third of its natural contents and the other two thirds is distributed up inside his little body suit.

“For the love of god!!!”

Did our son just poop himself or did an A-Bomb just go off in his B-Bom? Holy smokes! It’s pretty clear the Jaws-of-Life are no match for removing his little clothes without incident and the nappy wipes chose to commit suicide, rather than tackle that kind of cleanup.

There’s only one course of action left open to take. We gotta take our little bloke out…

And hose that sucker down!

Or at the very least, get that kid in the shower…STAT!

How does that even happen? He hasn’t been alive long enough to even eat the amount that erupted from Vesuvius. Now I know how the dinosaurs died, trapped beneath a flash-flood mudslide of cosmic proportions. I’m surprised he even has any bones left. Wow!

I haven’t seen that much relief since “Band Aid” or when they finally cancelled Baywatch. If its taught me anything at all, I’ve learned to never underestimate my son, in any capacity.

And if we ever go missing, contact the nearest archeologist and be sure to dig for our fossilized remains beneath the biggest pile of you know what, this suburb has ever seen.



School is…OUT!

Had our final Prenatal Childbirth Class today, which means school is…OUT!

And boy…did we learn some lessons.

Topics we covered included different ways of inducing births. Who would have guessed that a crochet needle, could also be used to break somebody’s water? (I will be forever suspicious of Grannies knitting booties in the foyer.)

The side-splitting walkthrough of a cesarian. (Which incidentally, is NOT the thirteenth Zodiac sign), but does include a bleeding goat and an altar.

The complex and amazing subject of breast feeding. (I’m a guy…it’s always about the boobs) 🙂

I’m all for expressing an opinion, but expressing milk?…That’s a whole other matter.

BTW: Did you realise we’re the only mammals on the planet that gives birth to our young and then feeds it milk from a completely different mammal? Although, as far as mammals go, I guess cows were a smarter choice. Imagine if we milked whales! Not only would it be damned near impossible to grip your hands around the teat, but how would you keep the bucket from floating away underneath it? Plus, it’s pretty hard to hold your breath and suckle at the same time.

We also got to try some baby wraps. Very cute, but not quite as delicious as a chicken salad wrap. But both look so good…you could just eat them up!

And probably, the weirdest and most psychologically disturbing topic we covered…

The dreaded nappies!

That is some funky sh*t, right there. An endless stream of pictures of what to expect “inside”, at different stages of development. Nothing of which looked like it ever came out of a human. Maybe something that leaked out of an engine perhaps? I felt like A.A. Milne when he was first devising the different stages of Pooh(Winnie-the-Pooh, that is).

Mind you, I did have to ask which way to aim the pistol for a boy. Another dad suggested that at that size, it probably doesn’t really matter. To which I pointed out, “hey…this is my kid. I might have to wrap it around a couple times,” (if you know what I mean). 

Size always matters.

So, it was an incredibly eye-opening and valuable experience. I feel so much better informed and prepared for our new adventure.

My only concern, is that there’s obviously a problem with overcrowding in the maternity ward. I just hope our little schnitzel doesn’t come early, or he could end up at the bottom of the pack!