Do Me A Solid?

KNOCK-KNOCK
Who’s there?
My six monks.
My six monks who?
My six monks old baby, that’s who!

Can you believe it? Our little bloke has just notched up half a year on his nappy belt. Which makes me wonder if he’s still considered a baby or is he now a toddler? And what actually is the difference? Sources tell me a toddler is when he starts wearing velvet robes, a cravat, smokes a pipe and sips martinis. (“Sources” is a term used loosely for the voices in my head). And if that’s the case, Hugh Hefner is the luckiest toddler in town.

But it also means some chemical changes are going on. Namely…“fusion”. Now, before you break out the hazmat suits and confuse it with nuclear fusion, (mind you, I’m pretty sure some of his nappy contents would set off a Geiger counter), it’s also the state in which a liquid changes to a solid. (Not to be confused with WA, which is the state in which all your solids revert to liquid…that’s some heat, phew!).

Known to scientists as “solidifying”, known to parents as, “eating” and known to babies as, “remodelling” the kitchen. (See also: “How can I get this tiniest bit of food and spray it all over the walls, ceiling, floor, myself, mummy and daddy…without actually getting any of it in my mouth?”)… Or the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan…but with food.

Which means we now have the incredibly interesting and somewhat amusing task of putting different types of food in front of him and see what he does.

At the end of round one, the judge’s scores are as follows;

Banana – thumbs up.
Armadillo – who are you trying to kid?
Avocado – much easier to get out of its shell.
Sweet potato – big thumbs up.
Unsweet potato – whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?
Broccoli – thumbs down.
Broccolini – thumbs up.
(Maybe because when choosing which foods to eat, broccolini is so much easier to rhyme with “Eanie-Meanie”…)

And at this point, the clear winner by far is…

Apricots

And seeing as they have a laxative affect, it’s smells smiles all round for all of us. And all this mess has brought out my innovative side, where instead of trying to clean up all the food that ends up on the floor, his high chair fits perfectly into his wading pool. All he needs is a quick hosing down after meals. Only problem is, he’s not allowed out of his chair for an hour after eating 😉

That’s the rules…I saw it on Baywatch.

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2012 WordPress Review

Wowzers!

Thank heavens for cheeky monkeys. The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 6,500 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 11 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Loves me some WordPress goodness. Check it out, it’s very cool.

See you next year!!!

40YrOldDad’s Christmas Advent Blog Post

Photo on 15-12-12 at 2.01 PM #3

On the 8th day of Christmas my Facebook stalker, militant communists Aussie Dad Bloggers gave to me – a story about why men can’t see sh#t, right in front of their face. You asked, we answer… in the Christmas spirit, us Aussie Dad Bloggers are answering the questions raised by readers.

Q: “Are men ACTUALLY visually impaired when it comes to locating objects inside the home?”

The short answer…NO.

The slightly longer answer…NU-UH.

Trust me, there’s plenty of objects inside the home we have absolutely no trouble locating with our eyes closed. The corner of the coffee table in our shin, the die-cast metal hot-wheels car underfoot, our own playground equipment downstairs.

Men are like dolphins, and use echo location sonar to find objects we can’t see. Dolphins use a series of clicks and whistles to locate objects underwater like fish, sunken treasure and universal remote controls. Men use a slightly more complex version of sounds such as, “Where’s the bloody car keys?” or “What happened to the potato masher?” With dolphins, the sonar bounces off the objects and back to the dolphin, helping him to determine it’s location. With men, the sound bounces back in a more female tone such as, “Did you try looking in the kitchen drawer?” or “They’re right in front of you on the bench!”

However…if you are a theoretical physicist or even a keen fan of Doctor Who, then you will no doubt realise there is an actual phenomenon that exists in the universe, known as “Brittany Spears” or in scientific terms…

“Temporal Displacement”

Which sounds like something you do when you momentarily lose your mind, or skim rocks off Japanese battered fish…wait…that’s tempura. (Really, I thought was a car?)

But in reality, there are tiny wormholes in space and time and the universe is simply teeming with them. As the earth spins through space, it collects these temporal displacement wormholes like a spat out Cool Mint collects lint. And certain objects are placed in their path like car keys, tin openers, nail clippers, remote controls, socks, pacifiers, did I mention car keys? And of course…car keys.

Kind of like when you accidentally suck your wife’s earring into the vacuum cleaner by mistake, or your son swallows a penny. For all intents and purposes, it has temporarily been removed from the present, only to be returned a small time later in the not too far off distant future. And that’s why we can’t see them. It’s not our fault…it’s the universe.

So, men are simply the hapless victims of temporal displacement…or God’s just f@#ing with us.

But universal subatomic string theory aside, some men (like me), occasionally wear glasses.

So, it can be argued that there is a certain level of visual impaired-ness among men, that the universe just cannot account for.

Male visual impaired-ness relates to a variety of categories, such as…

MEASUREMENT: 3-5 inches is…a foot, (either your man is trying to bolster his own ego, or wears tiny sneakers).

HOUSE REPAIR: Actual time to perform repairs…5 mins. Actual time to getting around to actually perform said repairs…6 months – 20 years.

LISTENING: I know listening isn’t a visual impaired-ness, but if we’re not looking at you, we’re probably not listening. Men listen with their eyes, not their ears. So, make sure we can see you so at the very least, we can read your lips.

READING LIPS: Men cannot read lips.

PRIORITIES: Family ALWAYS comes first, before anything else. (Excluding sport, alcohol, watching sport while drinking alcohol, drinking alcohol while playing sport, anything related to electronics, procrastinating, talking about procrastinating, Mythbusters, monster trucks, ourselves, Bigfoot or…boobs).

Which only goes to show, there’s no accounting for good taste, universal laws or people who don’t keep track of their receipts.

So, I hope that clears things up. Remember, it’s not your man’s fault…(cue Milli Vanilli)…”Blame it on the (substituting “rain” for “universe”, “Einstein”, “Stephen Hawking” or “The Big Bang Theory”).

Merry Christmas, y’all 😆

Psst: Oh and hey, be sure to check out the other Daddy Blogger Advent Posts on our Facebook page here at Aussie Daddy Bloggers.

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The Twelve Days of Christmas Dad’s

When the NorthPole’s Dirty Dozen conjured the lyrics to the 12 Days of Christmas, how little did they realise that years later, that idea would be pilfered by a group of Dad’s from Downunder.

In the style of the traditional Advent Calendar, for the next 12 days of Christmas, twelve Daddy Bloggers will be posting the answers to life, the universe and everything, as asked by YOU. (Well, maybe not YOU specifically, but possibly someone who looks very much a lot like you…but smells different, or drives a similar car).

There will be one post from each Daddy on each day and with this lineup…

BIG FAMILY little income, Illiterate Infant, Being a Dad, TackleNappy, Torkona, daddownunder, Reservoir Dad, Melbourne Dad, 40YrOldDad, 3am Dad

You could be left wondering…just how secure is our future?

So, stay tuned and enjoy the rantings complaints musings of my fellow Dad Bloggers. Look out for our Official Daddy Blogger Advent Calendar Posts featuring this official seal.

Click here for the Official Aussie Daddy Bloggers Facebook Page.

And remember…

We ARE among you…and we’re raising your kids!!!

Merry Christmas 😉

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Child Revive First Aid

My lovely wife is always full of great ideas, the first being, marrying me. A while ago, she did a First Aid Course for Kids at work and because she’s always thinking of me (another thing we have in common), she thought I too, could benefit from learning such things, seeing as I will be the stay-at-home dad, next year. And being the caring, responsible, lovely person she is, she thought her whole Mother’s Group could benefit as well. So, a couple days ago, she organised a Baby/Child First Aid course for us all, conducted by Chantelle from Child Revive First Aid.

Thank you to Meghan, for hosting the event and for having a living room large enough to look like a school bus exploded.

Total Baby Carnage

The course itself was a real eye-opener. Indy, twice performing his exploding nappy trick, also an eye opener. As you can see from the pic above, we had special CPR babies and Children, to practice on. What surprised me the most, was just how hard you need to press down on the chest, in order to provide affective CPR, and how little breath you need to fill their little lungs. But I feel confident that if Indy was ever in trouble or I happened across a child with no arms and legs, I’d know exactly what to do.

I ordered off the kids menu, and this is what they bring me? Oh well, dig in…

The course covered a whole range of things from CPR, cuts, abrasions, burns, poisons, etc. Just about anything your child can get into that gives YOU a heart attack.

And there is a new acronym to help you remember all the steps of things to assess when your child is in trouble…

The Primary Assessment – DRSABCD

D – Danger
R – Response
S – Send for help
A – Airway
B – Breathing
C – CPR
D – Defibrillation

Which is way more effective than the acronym I came up with…

P – Poke with a stick
A – Ask, “Why me?”
N – Nail-bite
I – Ignore
C – Call a pizza ambulance

But hopefully, you won’t need to use the last step (D – Defibrillation), at anytime in your life. It’s crazy weird to know that shopping centres and all kinds of places now have portable defibrillators on hand that anyone can use, without any training needed. That’s okay if you need to jump start your car or administer mild electro-shock treatment to an hysterical shopaholic during a stocktake sale, but the last thing I want to hear if I’m semi-conscious on the ground, is a hillbilly accent drawling over me…

“Gorn Cleatus, crank ‘er up. Le’see what this baby can do!”

And I think we got a glimpse of Indy’s personality during the slide show presentation. “Coughing” right on cue when Chantelle mentioned the subject of Choking(That’s my boy…a regular little comedian, or make that…extra small, be some time before he’s a regular).

So, do yourself (and your kids), a favour and get with the program. It could be a real life saver.

P.S. – It’s also a good excuse for cupcakes 😉

The Lone Ranger

“A fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty “Hi Ho Silver, Away!”

It’s amazing how much easier it is to sleep without all the usual gurgling, farting, snorting, cooing, squeaking, squawking that normally goes on of an evening. And now that Indy’s in his own room at the other end of the house…he shouldn’t be able to hear any of it!

That’s right, Indy has saddled up his trusty steed and headed out west to the open pastures of his Big Boy Cot on the sweeping plains (or at least, some light vacuuming), of his very own room. And although he’s still sleeping for about the same length of time (every 3-4 hours), it has improved the quality of sleep, somewhat.

Not his…ours.

And in the few minutes of actual sleep that we do get, it seems to be a much deeper sleep. Which is why my wife sounds like Barry White(and I sleep with one eye open).

But just because he’s now up the other end of the house, does not mean he’s out of sight nor out of mind (though at times, it feels like both of us are out of the latter). We still manage to keep a close eye and ear on him, as well as monitor every farty-party aspect of his behaviour, through the ever watchful eyes and ears of the Baby Monitor.

Indy’s time in the Big Brother HOUSE has begun.

And the monitor we bought way back when at the Baby And Toddler Expo (see post here), has some cool features like infra-red video, audio, temperature readout, lullaby music control and night light, all controlled from our handset. It does have another function that was probably good in theory, but not so much in practice. It’s a Push-to-Talk feature. In other words, you can push a button and talk to Indy to calm him down when he’s upset, from the warmth and comfort of our own bedroom, kind of like an intercom. HOWEVER…you can’t hear s#*t, when his air-raid siren is blaring. So, in essence, it’s just like the phone coverage we get from 3 and Vodaphone. We stand there yelling into the damn thing until we just give up and text each other or walk over and talk to each other in person.

And the other thing I discovered about having Indy in his own room, is sneaking out of the room when he’s asleep is a lot like stepping off a land-mine or diffusing a bomb. You move slowly and stealthily. You’re under the exact same pressure to leave that room quietly, as you are asking yourself, “do I cut the red wire or the green wire?”

Because all it takes, is one wrong step and…

KABLOOEY!!!

It’s back to square one for you.

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Tears Of A Clown

The moment all Dad’s dread has finally reared it’s head…

Falling face-first into an old Egyptian tomb and coming eye-to-eye with a deadly cobra!

That is, if YOU are Indiana Jones and the deadly cobra is…

Taking care of the baby…ON YOUR OWN!

WHAAAT???

Okay, time to put everything you learned from reading those “How to look after a tiny person that isn’t yourself” type books, into practice. (Is now a good time to reveal I was actually reading comic books disguised in a Baby Book dust jacket?)  Books I didn’t read like Rich Dad Poor Dad, which I assume is all about life before and after having kids. How to Alienate Friends and Exclude People by Dale Carnegie and his followup book, For One Second Can We Talk About Something Other Than The Baby? And not to be outdone, today’s current best seller…Fifty Shades of Brown.

Books-schmooks. I have life experience and instincts on my side...(as well as fries and onion rings).

And as my wife’s car becomes a tiny dot on the driveway horizon, I feel the cobra’s shadow looming over me.

But prepped with a blazing torch and gallons of fuel (milk) on hand, I’m all set to grab this challenge by the bullwhip and get crackin’.

And nothing could be smoother until…

He woke up.

Like a deer in headlights or Sam Neill faced against a ravenous T-Rex, I’m frozen to the spot and pray that if I don’t move, he won’t see me. And as prepared as I am, the one thing he’s not used to, is having to wait 5 minutes to be fed. Usually, when he’s hungry he has instant access to the pantry, no download lag time, no queueing at the DMV, nothing. It’s a simple FLIP-FLOP-POP system. FLIP the shirt up, FLOP the boob out and POP him on. But feeding with daddy is like interviewing via satellite. There’s a slight 5 minute delay while I heat up the bottle.

And when I’m holding him in my arms, he’s no problem. But I can’t hold the baby in one arm and shake and test the temp of the milk in the other. So, I have to put him down in his bouncer while I test the waters. And as each minute passes, so does his reaction:

(1) No rush. I don’t mind waiting.

(2) Take as long as you like daddy, I know you’re doing you’re best.

(3) I am a little peckish, if you wouldn’t mind speeding things up a bit.

(4) What’s the holdup? Don’t make me come over there.

(5) Gimme my milk, b#tch!!

And finally, when the milk is ready and I scoop him up to save the day. My heart breaks as I see before me…

His very first teardrop

Trickling down his little face.

Awww. Our little man is growing up. He’s started producing tears and no doubt, the subtle art of…emotional manipulation.

And if you think for one second that either of us will give in and be fooled by that?…

It works every time 😉