2012 WordPress Review

Wowzers!

Thank heavens for cheeky monkeys. The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 6,500 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 11 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Loves me some WordPress goodness. Check it out, it’s very cool.

See you next year!!!

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2012: A Year in Rear-View

2012…the year we had to have.

Well, we didn’t have to. I mean, some people didn’t want us to have it at all. (At least, not all of it…bloody Mayans). What do they know? Certainly nothing about making calendars, that’s for sure.

Imagine if things had ended on December 21…it would be like watching The Sixth Sense and turning it off with two minutes left to go and thinking…

“Yeah, it was okay but…I didn’t really get it?”

But for us, it was a phenomenal year. Not to mention, it was the best year of Indy’s life(and he only came in at the half way mark, around when Haley Joel Osment tells Bruce Willis, he sees dead people).

Adjusting my rear-view mirror as 2012 disappears over the horizon, I see we had the birth of our beautiful boy, the Swans won the Grand Final, I got Indy got…some gnarly signatures on my his Swans cap, I paid off my car and remain unofficially debt-free, the end of the world didn’t happen (always good to know it’s exactly where you left it, under your pillow, when you wake up in the morning), aliens didn’t invade us (and frankly, how could they? Haven’t you seen Border Security? You can’t even bring rice into the country, let alone some extra-terrestrial beings. Apparently it’s only one terrestrial being per passenger, “extras” will have to be declared, I’m afraid).

We had our first Christmas as a family, Indy had his photo in the Herald Sun…(and not in the Crime Stoppers section), and today…had his first “official gig” in the upcoming Winter Target Catalogue, (assuming they choose his picture above all of the “nowhere-near-as-cute-as-ours” kids photos. But we’re not judgey…we’ll leave that to the Judy’s and Reinholds of the world).

So, next year sees a brand new chapter with me and the lad going Mano-a-Mano, as I officially take up reigns as Stay-at-Home Dad. Which I foresee some potential pitfalls such as…

“Why didn’t you get any groceries?” or “Didn’t you take him in for his checkups?”

To which my reply…

“I couldn’t go out…I’m a Stay-At-Home Dad. I’m only doing what I’m told.”

May not hold up in a court of kick-your-ass-for-being-an-ass.

So, here’s to a spectacular year next year. Welcome 2013let the adventures continue!!

(Incidentally, 13 is my lucky number…and next year, has 20 of them…2013…don’t work it out)

Happy New Year!!!

Santa’s Li’l Helper

Waking up to the sounds of a giggling child, I’m reminded that I really should change my alarm ring tone to something a little more grown-up. And as I hit the snooze and roll over to be greeted by the warm comfort of baby sick down my front, I’m also reminded that I really should shower and change my shirt before coming to bed of an evening.

But amid the fabricated exploits of this morning’s misadventures, I can’t help but feel there’s a certain sense of excited anticipation about this morning that I haven’t experienced since my wedding night, and before that…when I was a kid. If only I could put my finger on exactly what it is…oh, wait. I know what it is. It must be…

Christmas Morning!!

And the reason for my heightened level of excitement, is of course, the fact that this is…

Indy’s First Christmas…

And our first Christmas…as a family.

And although he’s not quite 6 months old, his gung-ho-ho-ho attitude to tear open presents, feign real surprise, stuff anything he can into his gob (Christmas paper, tinsel, boobs, penguins) anything that is, except actual food (still can’t quite manage to master that, quite yet), not to mention allowing himself to be dressed in the shrinky-dink Santa style outfit suitable of the Festive Season, with such vigour and gay abandon, that I’m reminded a third time, about how great Christmas is when you’re a kid.

And everything kind of goes hazy and wobbly as I remember back to when Michael J Fox came downstairs in his APK monogrammed bathrobe on Christmas morn…(wait…wrong flash-back…that was Family Ties!) When I was a kid and my parents would sprinkle naphthalene flakes on the ground and tell us they were dried snow-flakes, scratch marks on the driveway where Santa’s sleigh had landed, asbestos cookies with a glass of milk…ahh, those were the days. And I can only imagine the enormous pleasure of watching us tear our presents open with as much excitement and fervour as Kirsty Alley devouring a Twinkie.

And watching our Li’l Santa spread joy to the faces of our friends, family and work colleagues as they’re engulfed in his broad Christmas smile, I watched his face transform with a sense of awe and wonder as we paraded him through the Christmas light displays of the Christmas Kingdom warehouse (post Christmas), like he was a tiny Christmas elf experiencing his own private Disneyland. That look was enough to melt Frosty’s heart and makes me look forward to all the years ahead of making every Christmas for our boy seem like…

Well…Christmas!

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40YrOldDad’s Christmas Advent Blog Post

Photo on 15-12-12 at 2.01 PM #3

On the 8th day of Christmas my Facebook stalker, militant communists Aussie Dad Bloggers gave to me – a story about why men can’t see sh#t, right in front of their face. You asked, we answer… in the Christmas spirit, us Aussie Dad Bloggers are answering the questions raised by readers.

Q: “Are men ACTUALLY visually impaired when it comes to locating objects inside the home?”

The short answer…NO.

The slightly longer answer…NU-UH.

Trust me, there’s plenty of objects inside the home we have absolutely no trouble locating with our eyes closed. The corner of the coffee table in our shin, the die-cast metal hot-wheels car underfoot, our own playground equipment downstairs.

Men are like dolphins, and use echo location sonar to find objects we can’t see. Dolphins use a series of clicks and whistles to locate objects underwater like fish, sunken treasure and universal remote controls. Men use a slightly more complex version of sounds such as, “Where’s the bloody car keys?” or “What happened to the potato masher?” With dolphins, the sonar bounces off the objects and back to the dolphin, helping him to determine it’s location. With men, the sound bounces back in a more female tone such as, “Did you try looking in the kitchen drawer?” or “They’re right in front of you on the bench!”

However…if you are a theoretical physicist or even a keen fan of Doctor Who, then you will no doubt realise there is an actual phenomenon that exists in the universe, known as “Brittany Spears” or in scientific terms…

“Temporal Displacement”

Which sounds like something you do when you momentarily lose your mind, or skim rocks off Japanese battered fish…wait…that’s tempura. (Really, I thought was a car?)

But in reality, there are tiny wormholes in space and time and the universe is simply teeming with them. As the earth spins through space, it collects these temporal displacement wormholes like a spat out Cool Mint collects lint. And certain objects are placed in their path like car keys, tin openers, nail clippers, remote controls, socks, pacifiers, did I mention car keys? And of course…car keys.

Kind of like when you accidentally suck your wife’s earring into the vacuum cleaner by mistake, or your son swallows a penny. For all intents and purposes, it has temporarily been removed from the present, only to be returned a small time later in the not too far off distant future. And that’s why we can’t see them. It’s not our fault…it’s the universe.

So, men are simply the hapless victims of temporal displacement…or God’s just f@#ing with us.

But universal subatomic string theory aside, some men (like me), occasionally wear glasses.

So, it can be argued that there is a certain level of visual impaired-ness among men, that the universe just cannot account for.

Male visual impaired-ness relates to a variety of categories, such as…

MEASUREMENT: 3-5 inches is…a foot, (either your man is trying to bolster his own ego, or wears tiny sneakers).

HOUSE REPAIR: Actual time to perform repairs…5 mins. Actual time to getting around to actually perform said repairs…6 months – 20 years.

LISTENING: I know listening isn’t a visual impaired-ness, but if we’re not looking at you, we’re probably not listening. Men listen with their eyes, not their ears. So, make sure we can see you so at the very least, we can read your lips.

READING LIPS: Men cannot read lips.

PRIORITIES: Family ALWAYS comes first, before anything else. (Excluding sport, alcohol, watching sport while drinking alcohol, drinking alcohol while playing sport, anything related to electronics, procrastinating, talking about procrastinating, Mythbusters, monster trucks, ourselves, Bigfoot or…boobs).

Which only goes to show, there’s no accounting for good taste, universal laws or people who don’t keep track of their receipts.

So, I hope that clears things up. Remember, it’s not your man’s fault…(cue Milli Vanilli)…”Blame it on the (substituting “rain” for “universe”, “Einstein”, “Stephen Hawking” or “The Big Bang Theory”).

Merry Christmas, y’all 😆

Psst: Oh and hey, be sure to check out the other Daddy Blogger Advent Posts on our Facebook page here at Aussie Daddy Bloggers.

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No Rock In His Roll

I wouldn’t say I’m fussy or particular (though my wife may have words to the contrary on that), but is it too much to expect to find things…where you left them?

I mean, if I’m using or playing around with something and then I put it down for just a second, expecting to return to it in a jiffy, am I setting the expectation bar, too high, to think it would be in the exact same place I left it?

It’s the kind of thing you’d expect from your surgeon: When I wake up, can you please make sure all my organs are where I left them? It’s what you expect from your mechanic: When I pick up my car, can you please make sure all it’s engine parts are where I left them? It’s even what you’d expect from volunteering to be strapped to a spinning wheel while a blindfolded knife-thrower hurls razor sharp blades at you: When I open my eyes and stop spinning, can you please make sure all my appendages are exactly where I left them? But, is it too much to expect…

From your baby?

I mean, come on! I like being secure in the knowledge that when I lay my boy down to play on his activity mat, or lay him down to bed in his cot, that if I have to get up to turn the kettle on, use the little boys room, or perform open brain surgery…that I expect to quickly return to find him exactly where I left him. But now, it seems as if he’s suddenly obsessed with old TV Westerns like, RAWHIDE. Every time we put him down, he goes straight into the theme song…

ROLLIN’…ROLLIN’…ROLLIN’

Which is fine, except for the fact he’s like Jerry Seinfeld…he can’t go left!

There’s no ROCK in his ROLL.

He can only roll in one direction and can’t rock back to roll the other way, (which coincidentally, is exactly the same as boy band, One Direction). So, we often find him mushed up against his prison bars doing a Braveheart impression, but with a magenta stripe down his William Wallace face. Until he cries out in anguish, “You’ll never take my FREEDO–ouch!”

Scratch that, you did take my freedom. A little help, someone…anyone?

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Aussie Daddy Blogger Advent Calendar Challenge 2012

Well, the Aussie Daddy Blogger Kris Kringle Advent Calendar Challenge 2012 has kicked off into high gear with some surprising questions and answers that make 50 Shades of Grey look like a Greeting Card. So, rather than repost everything here, it’s easier to see it all under one roof, (just like a Daddy Expo or dare I say…Exposé?).

So, for all the weird and wacky, click on the Official Daddy Blogger Seal for the full rundown of hilarious posts by our uniquely minded, Aussie Daddy Bloggers.

With contributions from BIG FAMILY, little income, Reservoir Dad, The Melbourne Dad, Being A Dad, daddownunder, Torkona, The Illiterate Infant, TackleNappy, 3am Dad and myself (who was that masked man?), you’re guaranteed to never be short of a smile or at the very least, a curious eyebrow raise. So, jump on over and take a “look-see”, then watch out for my post on December 21st where I’ll definitely have some things to say about…stuff’n’that as I unlock the secrets to the universe…(and drive it around a bit without my parent’s knowing).

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The Twelve Days of Christmas Dad’s

When the NorthPole’s Dirty Dozen conjured the lyrics to the 12 Days of Christmas, how little did they realise that years later, that idea would be pilfered by a group of Dad’s from Downunder.

In the style of the traditional Advent Calendar, for the next 12 days of Christmas, twelve Daddy Bloggers will be posting the answers to life, the universe and everything, as asked by YOU. (Well, maybe not YOU specifically, but possibly someone who looks very much a lot like you…but smells different, or drives a similar car).

There will be one post from each Daddy on each day and with this lineup…

BIG FAMILY little income, Illiterate Infant, Being a Dad, TackleNappy, Torkona, daddownunder, Reservoir Dad, Melbourne Dad, 40YrOldDad, 3am Dad

You could be left wondering…just how secure is our future?

So, stay tuned and enjoy the rantings complaints musings of my fellow Dad Bloggers. Look out for our Official Daddy Blogger Advent Calendar Posts featuring this official seal.

Click here for the Official Aussie Daddy Bloggers Facebook Page.

And remember…

We ARE among you…and we’re raising your kids!!!

Merry Christmas 😉

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