School is…OUT!

Had our final Prenatal Childbirth Class today, which means school is…OUT!

And boy…did we learn some lessons.

Topics we covered included different ways of inducing births. Who would have guessed that a crochet needle, could also be used to break somebody’s water? (I will be forever suspicious of Grannies knitting booties in the foyer.)

The side-splitting walkthrough of a cesarian. (Which incidentally, is NOT the thirteenth Zodiac sign), but does include a bleeding goat and an altar.

The complex and amazing subject of breast feeding. (I’m a guy…it’s always about the boobs) 🙂

I’m all for expressing an opinion, but expressing milk?…That’s a whole other matter.

BTW: Did you realise we’re the only mammals on the planet that gives birth to our young and then feeds it milk from a completely different mammal? Although, as far as mammals go, I guess cows were a smarter choice. Imagine if we milked whales! Not only would it be damned near impossible to grip your hands around the teat, but how would you keep the bucket from floating away underneath it? Plus, it’s pretty hard to hold your breath and suckle at the same time.

We also got to try some baby wraps. Very cute, but not quite as delicious as a chicken salad wrap. But both look so good…you could just eat them up!

And probably, the weirdest and most psychologically disturbing topic we covered…

The dreaded nappies!

That is some funky sh*t, right there. An endless stream of pictures of what to expect “inside”, at different stages of development. Nothing of which looked like it ever came out of a human. Maybe something that leaked out of an engine perhaps? I felt like A.A. Milne when he was first devising the different stages of Pooh(Winnie-the-Pooh, that is).

Mind you, I did have to ask which way to aim the pistol for a boy. Another dad suggested that at that size, it probably doesn’t really matter. To which I pointed out, “hey…this is my kid. I might have to wrap it around a couple times,” (if you know what I mean). 

Size always matters.

So, it was an incredibly eye-opening and valuable experience. I feel so much better informed and prepared for our new adventure.

My only concern, is that there’s obviously a problem with overcrowding in the maternity ward. I just hope our little schnitzel doesn’t come early, or he could end up at the bottom of the pack!

School is…IN

Schnitzel hits the big 3-0!

30 Weeks and doing well.

And for us, it means…school is in! (New for me, but old news for my lovely wife…she is a school teacher after all).

But this is school…with a difference. The kind of school that’s mandatory to watch videos of naked women, where sleeping in class is encouraged (why else would they ask you to bring in two pillows?) and instead of a diploma, you get a placenta. That’s right, I’m talking about…

Child Birthing Classes!

Or…“How to scare the living sh*t out of yourself, without really trying”.

This is the business end of the stick folks. Here’s my down-on-all-fours, nitty gritty, Top 10 ways to scare you and your partner into thinking, “what the hell have we got ourselves into?”

#10 – Epidurals: A javelin jammed in your spine to make the badman (pain), go away.

#9 – Six different massage positions designed to help ease pain and discomfort during the 2nd stage of labour (and coincidentally, the very same positions that got us into this situation in the first place).

#8 – Describing birthing pain as…indescribable. (Oh goody, put me down for two, then).

#7 – The birthing room is, “no place for jokes”. (Come on, you’re killin’ me, here!).

#6 – “Because you run the risk of inverting the woman’s uterus.” – The response to my question, “why does the woman have to give birth to the placenta? It’s got a chord, right? Can’t they just yank it out?” – See #7

#5 – If you bring your iPhone into the delivery room filled with Contraction Apps, “we’ll throw it in the toilet!”

#4 – Wolfmother is not considered appropriate “birthing music”.

#3 – Nobody knows what baby Gorillas are called…(guess you had to be there).

#2 – Lying down on the bed is one of the worst ways to give birth…(thank you Hollywood movies!).

#1 – Everything you learn today may or may not be applicable on the day…WHAAAT??

So now, I feel much better. Can’t hardly wait for next week’s class.

(Did anyone else feel that shiver?)