Secret Man’s Business

Week 27 and the realisations of expecting a boy are really starting to filter through my mind.

A lot of his lessons in life, will rest squarely on my shoulders. Things like…

I’m going to have to teach him how to use…public toilets.

Navigating the minefield of disgusting unsanitary hazards of neanderthals, whose care for basic human hygiene is as carefree as a six year old running through a lawn sprinkler. Learning the difference between a urinal and a hand basin (my younger brother made that fatal mistake around the age or 4 or 5). How to avoid stepping in other people’s “puddles” and avoiding stray pubic hairs and droplets on the seat. Laying paper on the seat before you sit and try not to panic when the toilet water splashes up against your undercarriage. Never look at another man’s junk and most importantly, don’t eat the urinal cakesthey’re not lollies.

And it doesn’t stop there. There’s also…

The joys and hazards of having…one of those.

Where to stick it, how to clean it, how to conceal it at inopportune moments and most importantly…do everything you can to avoid getting hit in it!

And then things just get murky when he becomes a teenager. No chance in hand-balling that one over to the missus.

I guess I shouldn’t be at all surprised that it’s up to me to tackle the subject of “the tackle”.

After all, it takes one to know one.

 

If You Build It, He Will Come

Never before has my life had even an inkling of baby stuff in it.

And may I point out, my replica Delorean with flashing lights and sound effects, my remote controlled Dalek, my Superman money box and my miniature Tardis that flashes just before my mobile phone goes off…

Are not baby stuff…okay!!

They are MAN things, in a MAN’s room…

(Okay, maybe the stuffed Daffy Duck plush toy is a little bit…”nyeah?”)

But they’re the representation and culmination of lifelong dreams of a MAN…(this man, in particular). And may I also point out that they are high on a shelf well out the way of fiendish little fingers (yes, my wife can’t reach them)…or little schnitzel chicken fingers, once they arrive.

But now, just like an infestation of termites, the baby stuff creeps its way in slowly but surely.

Monkeys, clothes, nappies, cabinets, wall stickers, bassinets, finger puppets…

But I am inspired by Kevin Costner’s film, Field Of Dreams, and thus I find myself listening to the voices in my head (which sounds remarkably like my wife), to build a containment “field” to rest his little head, for when “he comes”.

It’s all so exciting and real, now that we’re preparing his room. HIS room. HIIIS room. My son will have his OWN room. Who’s son? MY son. I’m having a SON. He will be MY son and he will have HIS OWN room. My SON has a ROOM of his very OWN…

The voices are telling me to “stop, now.” — Damn, she sounds hot.

Hee-hee-hee, I feel so grown up 🙂

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Cramping My Style

Week 23 and it’s at this point, I discover two things:

My wife has to now reassess her spatial awareness, and I have…a new job.

Dribbling food down the front of your shirt was hazardous in the past, and even more so, if you have a beach ball in front of you.

Which is why you should avoid the sworn enemy of the clean flowy skirt

“The hot jam donut”

For a man, it’s pretty easy to lean forward and miss your shirt entirely. For a woman, once you clear the Himalayas, you’re pretty much in the clear. But now that you’ve added the extension to the front room, not even the hot-shoe-shuffle is gymnastics enough to avoid looking like the latest victim of a Wes Craven slasher flick, as you waddle slowly into the ladies room with jam down your arm and what looks like, an alien exploded out of your chest.

Soon, we’ll have to attach those little flags to the edge of her belly so she can see where it ends.

As for me and my new job? It’s an interesting blend of action hero and sports physiotherapist.

At the commencement of her nightly agonising leg cramps, I’m like a spring-loaded ninja who shoots out of bed like an ejector seat, grabbing her leg like Hercules wrestling an anaconda. Like a UFC cage fight, I clinch that leg and squeeze that muscle…until it taps itself out.

Which sounds tremendously heroic I know, but the reality is…it’s dark, I’m naked and half-asleep. So, it’s more like a fumbling audition for “Neked” Cirque Du Soleil.

But there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to help my little family. My lovely wife’s belly is so round and cute, it’s like a giant Kinder Surprise – The chocolate egg with a surprise inside. Only this surprise is no toy, it’s a fully formed and functioning baby.

Which is why I’m glad we don’t live in Sweden. Where I imagine, they have Ikea flat-pack pregnancies, where their bellies are just flat and you have to assemble the baby yourself with an Allen key. I’m all for DIY, but…come on.

Twenty-one Today…twenty-one today!

Can’t believe our little schnitzel is growing up so fast. It seemed like only yesterday he was just an egg, now he’s suddenly 21…

Weeks! (that is).

It’s about now, my mind clicks into overdrive!

We’re creating a whole human beingfrom nothing!

This is the kind of stuff, that “God” person, wrote about in that really old book, what was it…

Where Do Babies Come From?

Now’s the time for weird thoughts to start creeping into my head. Thoughts like…

Am I god? God is the creator, I created, therefore…I AM GOD!

Then my beautiful angel reminds me…

“Ah, you know we’re having a baby, right? It’s not all about you!”

Sorry, my bad. My thoughts about him

# 21 Weeks?…That’s like, 147 day old sperm in there.

# If I press my head against your belly, do you think he can read my thoughts?

# What if he wasn’t just confined to your womb? What if he could crawl around anywhere under your skin? Imagine if you were trying to walk up stairs but couldn’t bend your knee because there was a big bulge behind your knee where he was tucked away? Or what if he crawled up to your neck and sat on your shoulder like he was a parrot?

But, these are just normal thoughts every first time dad has, right honey?Honey? Where are you going? Should you be carrying a suitcase in your condition? Mind you, your arms look huge, like a baby crawled up inside your — Oh my GOD!!

There’s just so much to think about, I mean…

This impacts…the entire universe!

Not only is my lovely one’s belly expanding, but now, the whole entire universe is expanding, thanks to us! All of the atoms in the entire universe will have to shove over to make more room for our little man, when he arrives. That’s HUGE…or maybe I should take my wife’s advice

Honey, stop thinking now…

It’s a Schnitzel!!

That’s right folks…we’re having a boy!

I was going to video our reactions when we got to peek in the oven and find out just Who’s Cooking, but I was way too nervous with excitement to film it. As you can clearly tell

The wonder of technology nowadays is astounding. Being able to see a 3D version of what the baby looks like, and we didn’t even have to wear those stupid 3D glasses. I kind of feel a bit foolish for bringing mine…and wearing them! (But then, I should never have left my driving glasses at home).

Everything looks just great! Everything in tact; fingers, toes, facial features all present and accounted for and most importantly, all in the right place. And inside, everything is going according to plan; brain, kidneys, heart…the kid’s a natural.

And there’s no denying he’s a schnitzel, alright. On account of his little Wiener.

We’re both a little shocked and over-the-moon with excitement at the prospect of having a son. The family name will live on…yay!!

But…

I’m a little creeped out knowing that my beautiful wife, currently sports…

 Both male and female genitalia!!

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LIVE and Kicking!

The Midwives told us we could expect to feel kicking around Week 20.

Today is Week 20 and at 7.51am on this lazy Sunday morning, my beautiful bride takes my hand, places it firmly on her belly and…

Touchdown!

Whoa! Right on schedule…

Nothing quite prepares you for the first time you feel your schnitzel/elle kick!

I just hope our schnitzel/elle doesn’t pop out into the world and be like…

“Oh sorry, I thought I had two mothers? What, with the high pitched squeals and all.”

Yes. I squealed like a girl. In one tiny instant, a fully grown man had suddenly become…

Richard Simmons.

That’s how hard it was to contain my excitement.

This makes it all so much more real, people!

I already mentioned there are two things people generally do when they’re excited.

Jumping for joy and peeing their pants.

I’m finished the jumping part…

Perceptions

Amazing how my perceptions have changed.

Driving my love to work this morning, a news report on the radio reported a young woman was sexually assaulted in the street this morning.

I turned to my incubator and said…

“Who does that? That’s somebody’s daughter!”

And I teared up a little last week when I watched a TV show where a father was fighting to save his son and…

…I got it!

Even though our schnitzel/elle is still in the oven, I finally get that connection between parents and their kids.

Ahhh…what’s happening to me???

1st things 1st

It’s been a week of firsts for me.

1st visit to the Maternity Clinic.

Starting reading my 1st book on parenting.

Our 1st visit to the Baby Train, an enormous Baby Superstore. That’s a place where new expectant dad’s can lie down unexpectedly on the floor, while the overwhelming world of baby products and their prices, swoons all around you.

I had no idea just how much things cost, it’s like…

Wow! It’s how much?…Does a robot come with that?

We’re making a baby, not building the Six Million Dollar Man!

Holy cow…

But while the cost of things have made me put some things on the back burner for now, I couldn’t resist buying our schnitzel/elle’s 1st baby toy

An irresistible little Monkey for our hopefully, irresistible little monkey 🙂

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Schnitzel or Schnitzelle?

Week 19 and we are one week away from knowing whether or not we have a schnitzel or a schnitzelle cooking in the oven.

It’s really exciting and nerve-racking all at the same time. I don’t know whether to jump for joy or pee my pants. Probably best not to do both, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of that behaviour once the oven timer “dings”.

We visited the Maternity Clinic this week. I’ve never seen so many pregnant women in one place! My lovely angel whispered in my ear…

“You okay? I know how excited you get around pregnant women!”

Damn, and I’d left my apron at home as well.

I was totally surrounded. I felt like the odd man out at The Biggest Loser auditions. Still, it’s kind of comforting to know this “pregnancy” thing, seems to happen all the time, so it feels like we’re in good hands.

The Midwives seem extremely lovely and supportive, our Doctor on the other hand (still lovely and supportive), but very “old school”, in that, she pulled the curtain across in front of me in the examination room so I couldn’t “see the show”. I felt like a dirty perve listening outside the shower curtain, made worse by the fact I was breathing heavily and rubbing my hands together. (Well, I did have to run out to move the car before my parking expired).

We heard our schnitzel/elle’s heart beating through the ultrasound, and if I could have seen my love’s smiling face on the other side of the curtain, I expect it was just as big as mine 🙂

It’s hard not to get excited. I am so looking forward to finding out just who it is that’s in there, causing all this fuss. And yes, if you’re wondering what that sound is, it’s the cluck, cluck, cluck of a very nervous and excited dad…trying desperately not to pee his pants!

To DO or NOT To Do…

That is the question…

I’m addressing the real nitty-gritty this week. The ONE question that is on every new dad’s mind during pregnancy…

And according to our Balinese gynaecologist, it’s…

 “Tidak apa-apa”No problem 🙂

BUT…

He did say that there is a chemical in semen, which can actually soften the uterus wall. And seeing as you don’t want to take any risks or complications that may cause anything to go wrong…

You have to go…“outside”

Wow, seriously? Whatever will the neighbours think? I’m a nature lover at heart, but I don’t want ticks or bugs crawling into any holes they shouldn’t be crawling into.

My lovely lady whispers in my ear…

Oh, right. My mistake.

So, things could get a little messy? In that case, it’s probably best to use protection.

So, I’m off to Bunnings to buy a face shield and an apron.