Shapeshifter

I feel just like Carol-Anne in Poltergeist, sitting in front of the tv…

“They’re here…”

Week 14 and…”Baby got back!” (It also has arms, legs, fingers, toes, etc).

Thankfully, my family has arrived safe and sound and we’re all back together again. Now I get to bare my claws and stand over them both, like a defensive tiger fends for it’s cubs, “Heeeeeeeche!”

It was a little weird at first, to be back in each other’s arms after 4 weeks. I felt like a teenager on prom night…all goofy and nervous (and wondering what my date looks like naked?)

And I also discovered that at Week 14, my wife has developed some rather unique talents…

My wife has become…

…a Shapeshifter (cool) 🙂

There is a sizeable firm “bump” in her midsection, which just makes things that much more real (eek…hooray…eek), and I’ll have to get her a t-shirt that reads…

Objects in this t-shirt may appear larger in real-life!

Huminah-huminah!

There is one thing to point out to other prospective Dad’s, shapeshifting does not just confine itself to the physical, shapeshifters transform their body as well as their…mental state.

So, she may look like your wife, she may sound like your wife…and at the first onset of change, first check for bite marks on the body and a FULL MOON out the window, failing that…you can blame it all on those dreaded hormones. (Drops to knees, shakes fist in the air…)

Damn you, hormones!!!

Will they never give up? Those damn hormones are up and down more often than a Ron Jeremy video. And if you don’t know who Ron Jeremy is…(well, that’s probably best for all of us).

So, Week 14 is a week of pluses and returns

Pluses: Baby bumps and huminah-huminah’s

Returns: Hormones and the sicks (will they never end?)

The sooner she can hold down every meal, the better for all of us.

Love is still the key. Love her, support her and love her some more.

Popcorn at 3 in the morning…also does the trick.

Advertisements

Boomerangs

It feels like ages since we saw each other in the flesh (that’s how it all started in the first place), but now I am one eager day away from having my family back in my loving arms…(and in our empty villa, for that matter).

The rules of engagement surrounding our Skype chats have been adhered to, so I have no idea if she’s showing and/or how much.

It’s like waiting to unwrap a Christmas present!

but I probably shouldn’t shake and rattle it first?

It feels kind of weird, like it’s not really happening.  Probably because there’s literally an ocean between us, and only a thin membrane between them. I feel slightly detached from the whole experience. Almost like a Clayton’s Dad.

But I am so super excited at having them back, so I can actually feel like I’m a part of it.

(Seems only fair, after all…it is also a part of me).

It will be so awesome to have us all together in Bali for Christmas. I mean, when was the last time you remember an expectant couple who had a baby on the way around Christmas?

(thinking…thinking…thinking…)

I’m sure it’s happened…(at least once?)

So, like the faithful boomerang, my lover and her tenant, will return to me tomorrow.

Thus, in the faithful words of Rachel Hunter

It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen 🙂

Wait a sec…it will happen overnight! (damn, Pantene. You don’t know anything!).

Annnd….SAFE!!

It feels like my batter just slid into home plate!

(Wow, that didn’t even remotely, sound quite right???)

What I mean is, we’ve just scored a touchdown, at the elusive 12 Week mark!

(Another mixed sporting metaphor?)

My point is

“We made it!!!”

(Or rather…our little “tenant” made it)

All the tests confirm (at least, at this point), that there is indeed, a healthy teeny-tiny Adventurer Extraordinaire, in our mids.

(Me-lady’s “mids” to be precise).

Well, it’s not hard to see this baby was conceived in Bali…how relaxed is that?? Kickin’ back, relaxing, catching some rays…Waiter, my mocktail please (non-alcoholic, of course).

But still, it’s just under 2 weeks before the three of us will be reunited in Bali again.

Thank heavens for the miracle of…technology and the internet (oh, and that other amazing thing, what do you call it…Life?)

Not only can we see what’s going on inside the baby’s room, but I also get to see it from 3231 miles away!

And that is by no means, a huge stretch of the imagination as it is so much, an enormous stretch…of the umbilical cord.

Circle Of Life

So, we’re one week off the elusive 12 week mark, sitting pretty at Week 11.

The bad news for the little lady…she “stars” again in her own dreadful sequel of…

Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sicks!

She at least had one week of reprieve from driving the white porcelain bus, but no escape for her I’m afraid. Like Al Pacino in the Godfather Part III

“Just when I thought I was out…they pull me back in.”

But that can only mean…things are still on track!

And knowing what’s happening in Inner Space, it’s no wonder she’s feeling sick. At 11 weeks, our baby starts drinking the amniotic fluid and it’s kidneys start to work, filtering it into the bladder which empties itself back out into the amniotic fluid, and thus…the circle of life continues.

Eeek!

I thought Bear Grylls from Man Vs Wild was the only one who drank his own urine…but then again, it is a survival situation after all 🙂

The sex organs start to form as well but at this point, it’s still a crap shoot as to which way they go. And I’m fine, either way…so long as they don’t take a right turn at Albuquerque.

Where for art thou?

So, we’re at the 10 week mark, and I’m feeling a sense of distance between us…

About 3231 miles…to be exact!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder…but totally worries the shit, out of the mind!

Dorothy is back to Oz (for 4 weeks), while I man the fort in Bali, and move all our stuff into another villa in Seminyak.

Our only communication is through dodgy video Skype chats, with strict instructions to only let me see her…

From the “boobs”, up!…No sneak belly peeks, ’til her return.

Who am I to complain at that suggestion? (Okay…it was my suggestion).

The good news is, the vomit bags on the plane, remain upright in their seated positions.

The bad news is, those blasted hormones have manned a rear counter offensive.

Oh well, out of the frying pan into…(let’s just leave it at that then, shall we?).

Oh, Wo-es Her

I never realised MORNING SICKNESS, would be a bit like…

The opening beach scene from…Saving Private Ryan!

It’s violent, gruesome, incessant and…I’m sure I heard a lung come up, (at least once).

And just as it was, as a spectator to the atrocities on the beach from the safety of my cinema seat, I find myself squelching and squirming at the atrocities happening in our bathroom…and feeling equally as powerless to do anything to help my poor, lovely, Private Ryan.

I wish there was something I could do to help. I feel as useless as a no-armed man in a frisbee throwing contest.

That sweaty little face with the morky expression, the reddened cheeks of total exhaustion, the complete and utter depletion of a body, fully spent(I can’t believe I look that bad, when all I’m doing is watching).

But remember…the “no touching” rule, is still in effect!

So, all I can do, is lend my verbal encouragement…

Is that all you’ve got! 

You can do better than that! 

Come on, really put your back into it!

Okay…so maybe, that’s the wrong kind of encouragement.

She just has to settle for my sad puppy dog eyes and a bottle of Aqua, to wash the “sick taste” down.

But we know it’s all towards a good cause…or should I sayoutcome.

Hmm, sorry I brought it up 😉

Tip #1 – Keep Her Happy

So, being a first time dad at 40, I’ve made an interesting discovery, very early on.

Keep in mind, your lady is going through some changes. Physically, emotionally…mentally.

Assume…NOTHING.

Embrace…CHANGE.

Change of mood, change of mind, change of personality…and it can all happen in an instant!

#1 tip for keeping your lady happy – LOVE HER

She needs your love. She wants your love and the best way to support her through those changes…is to love her

BUT…

Don’t touch me!

Don’t breathe on me!

Don’t move around me…please!

Touching her skin…will make her sick.

Talking too close…will make her sick.

Moving an eyelashwill make her(I think you get the picture).

But love her none the less (though it may be through a radiation suit…and from a distance).

But she will love you for it…I guarantee 🙂