Schnitzel hits the big 3-0!
30 Weeks and doing well.
And for us, it means…school is in! (New for me, but old news for my lovely wife…she is a school teacher after all).
But this is school…with a difference. The kind of school that’s mandatory to watch videos of naked women, where sleeping in class is encouraged (why else would they ask you to bring in two pillows?) and instead of a diploma, you get a placenta. That’s right, I’m talking about…
Child Birthing Classes!
Or…“How to scare the living sh*t out of yourself, without really trying”.
This is the business end of the stick folks. Here’s my down-on-all-fours, nitty gritty, Top 10 ways to scare you and your partner into thinking, “what the hell have we got ourselves into?”
#10 – Epidurals: A javelin jammed in your spine to make the badman (pain), go away.
#9 – Six different massage positions designed to help ease pain and discomfort during the 2nd stage of labour (and coincidentally, the very same positions that got us into this situation in the first place).
#8 – Describing birthing pain as…indescribable. (Oh goody, put me down for two, then).
#7 – The birthing room is, “no place for jokes”. (Come on, you’re killin’ me, here!).
#6 – “Because you run the risk of inverting the woman’s uterus.” – The response to my question, “why does the woman have to give birth to the placenta? It’s got a chord, right? Can’t they just yank it out?” – See #7
#5 – If you bring your iPhone into the delivery room filled with Contraction Apps, “we’ll throw it in the toilet!”
#4 – Wolfmother is not considered appropriate “birthing music”.
#3 – Nobody knows what baby Gorillas are called…(guess you had to be there).
#2 – Lying down on the bed is one of the worst ways to give birth…(thank you Hollywood movies!).
#1 – Everything you learn today may or may not be applicable on the day…WHAAAT??
So now, I feel much better. Can’t hardly wait for next week’s class.
(Did anyone else feel that shiver?)